Don’t Buy Me Something Special

My husband knows that I tell it like it is.

If I say something, I mean it. For real.

He learned this about me well before we were married.

When we were still dating, Valentine’s Day was coming around and he told some people at work that I told him I didn’t want him to get me anything. They all smirked and said some version of, “So what did you get her?” And when he replied that he didn’t get me anything because he was pretty certain that I was honest about not wanting a gift, they all looked at him like he was a dead man walking.

He freaked out and asked me about any such treachery being afoot. But I assured him that I actually, really and truly didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. And I told him as much because I am not interested in playing head games or trying to get him to read my mind. I probably would have been annoyed if he got me something because I expressly asked him not to do that. I made sure to let him know what I really wanted. It just happened to be nothing.

Since he knows that I am honest about things, he knows that when I tell him something, I am not hinting around or hoping that maybe he’ll figure out how to read between the lines. The lines are legible and in black and white.

If you tell someone one thing and hope they’ll figure out that you really want something else, you are going to have a zero sum game, my friend. I’m going to go ahead and say shame on you if you are upset when someone does precisely what you ask of them.

What kind of position would I put myself in if I told my husband not to get me something special for Valentine’s Day and then got angry or hurt when he didn’t surprise me with something special? Why would I want to invite that sort of drama or friction into my life? Is that what I want to do on Valentine’s Day? Fight? Unless you’re in the business of sabotaging your relationship, this tactic just isn’t going to work.

Not only can people not read your mind, (certainly not a man in the early stages of a relationship) but you do yourself a disservice by expecting anything less than what you are communicating.

If you want something, ask for it! Tell your partner that you like to be surprised with something special; tell your boss you want more flexibility or a raise; tell your children what your expectations are of them; tell your mother that she is staying too long when she comes to visit for a week. Even if you don’t get immediate results, at least you know your wishes have been expressed and no one can say you were unclear.

[I will throw in this little caveat: these days, it seems like my husband can read my mind a little. After fifteen years of marriage, if I am having trouble completing a thought or finding a word, he knows exactly what I am trying to say and helps me out if he’s feeling benevolent.]

If you are having trouble with getting people to read your mind, I can help you to cultivate the communication skills that you need in order to speak your mind instead. Set up a discovery call at melissa@fityourselfin.com to see if working together would be a good fit to get you on track.

Remember, you can fully expect me to tell it like it is.