Hearing the Screams

“Hey, I heard you guys fighting so I wanted to come see if you were okay…”

I am still baffled by the fact that I was the person being checked on in that scenario. My friend was worried for my safety since the ferocious yelling and screaming between my toxic boyfriend and me was loud enough to be heard down on the street from our apartment.

I don’t even recognize who I was then.

It’s not like it ever starts out that bad. The first red flags are always small, easy to ignore. Some too small to even see. By the time they are too big to pretend they aren’t there, the waves are crashing down on your head and you don’t know which way is up.

And that red flag that was being waved by my friend checking on my safety at the ferocity of our fighting still didn’t stop me in my tracks.

Although I knew deep down that this wasn’t me. I wasn't with a person who deserved me. But how do you get out? How do you admit that you screwed up so bad and now you're stuck? You don’t even feel those insidious tendrils of deceit or manipulation wrapping themselves around your throat. I felt too deep to extricate myself. 

Truly, I don’t know who I was then. It sounds cliche, but I don’t know where the real me was hiding during that time. That is not who I am; to allow anyone to treat me without respect, to make me feel less than I am, to make me question what the hell I am doing. It’s like I was hypnotized and the real me was screaming from somewhere inside.

When I look back on that experience, I shake my head at the time I wasted locking horns with someone so awful for me. If only I had listened to that voice sooner!

Playing the role of the trapped girlfriend with a man she didn’t really love or eventually even like shaped me to be the woman I am now. As bad as it feels to think of the time I wasted, I learned that ultimately I can trust myself to find the way out and to push back on the walls closing in. Even if it took some time, eventually I got there.

I got out before it got physical. Before any real Trauma was inflicted. And I finally had the guts to leave that relationship when my family and friends validated my feelings that I was somewhere I didn’t belong. They helped me to realize that my internal voice was screaming the truth: “This isn’t me!”

Sometimes we just need help remembering who we really are.

What voice is telling you from inside that something isn’t right? Is there a woman screaming from inside you that you are not brave enough to listen to?

If you're feeling trapped - whether it's in a job, a relationship, or just patterns that keep you stuck, listen to that voice.

If you're feeling like you don't recognize yourself in your own life, let's talk. Because the real you is still in there, and she deserves to be heard.